In the Last Remaining Light

This entry will officially be the last blog entry I ever write. I have no need for it anymore... it used to be therapeutic but unfortunately it seems as if writing no longer satisfies my depression... it only causes me to further reflect on the things that make me sad. Writing about one thing brings to mind other issues, so on and so forth...

So this is it. This is the last entry I'll ever write.

It's sort of funny, really... writing in this blog was a way for me to sort out my thoughts, to express my morals and ethics, to examine my inner being, who I am... and now that I no longer know who I am, I find that writing in this blog doesn't do any good anymore.

Now.. I just don't care anymore. I don't care who I am or what happens to me. I don't give a shit about anyone or anything. I've tried my entire life to hold to traditions and morals, holding out hope that the world would change around me and that good WILL prevail... but it doesn't. It WON'T. I can't make true love exist simply be believing in it. I can't live by the standards of the days of old when a man and woman could have a responsible and mature relationship without sex being the primary focus... because that's not the world we live in today. Sex is absolutely #1 in importance. Sex is the new making out, making out is the new peck on the cheek, and the peck on the cheek is the new hug, and a hug is practically a hand shake. It's a sad state of affairs and unfortunately if I ever want to have any sort of relationship, I simply have to abandon my ethics on the matter and just give into societal pressure.

I'm exhausted... and I don't know who has noticed, but the Nick that existed for the last 7 years is nearly completely gone... I am well aware of it, but I don't care enough to do anything about it. Well... the last shred of who I was... my ethics... they've been teetering on the edge for quite some time now... time to give them a shove.

Good things do not come to those who wait. Only pain and suffering and loneliness.

"and if you don't believe the sun will rise
stand alone and greet the coming night
in the last remaining light"

Why am I so unhappy?

Could I trace the root of it and fix it, or are some people just naturally unhappy with no tangible solution other than drugs?

Just found out through Facebook that Kaysie got married. I'm guessing she married the father of her child, so that's good... but why does it bother me? Because I thought that maybe I still had a chance to be with her, despite that she has a kid? Maybe it's because I knew we did have a strong connection... it was almost as if we couldn't be together simply because she DOES have a kid... but we both wanted to be.. Either way I'm happy for her, I'm glad she can start her family now, but I'm a bit upset that she never told me that she was getting married. I have an idea on why she didn't tell me..

So let's see, that makes... 4 out of my ex girlfriends who are married, and about 7 of them have children. And I've only dated 9 women.

Funny to me that most of my friends are on their second or third relationships and have been lucky enough to realize that they're meant to be with that person. I wish I had that luck... 9 relationships (if you could even count half of them as relationships) and not a single one was even remotely promising, and the couple that had a bit of potential to last or become something stronger, well, they're impossible now because of other circumstances.

I need to meet people... I'm SO god damned lonely..

Let It Die

Sometimes you just have to step back and let your life spiral out of control. Sometimes that's the only way you'll ever have the chance to start over. My life is so fucked up - SO fucked up... it's just a big mess, a tangled jumble of what was once hopes and dreams and happiness... it's all gone wrong. I've been holding on, fighting the tailspin for a few years now, but now it's time to let go. It's finally time to let go of the wheel and see where I end up, and pick myself up from that point.

Everyone is moving on. Amy got married to the father of her child - good for her, I really hope it works out. Ruth is getting married... Jessica has talked about the idea of getting married to Blain -which don't get me wrong, is fine, he's a really nice guy... Sara wants to move away, which is also fine, if she seems to think moving away from 99% of the people who care about her will bring her happiness, who am I to contradict her? Chris may be moving up North for a Prison Guard job...

The good news is that Aaron is finally home, and Stu will be home from school soon enough... maybe if all works out, I can talk those two into getting an apartment with me.. or maybe Aaron and Jay, since I don't know what Stu's plans are when he comes home.

Back on track... despite the fact that moving on and growing up is inevitable and completely normal, that doesn't make it ANY easier to let go of the past.

The days when my entire group of friends hung around at church, then after church, then all weekend...all the activities, road trips, concerts, camping trips... those days are over, and that upsets me. It's like my life is winding down into monotony...

But it's time to let go. Let it die... let the memories fade so the pain subsides... and hit rock bottom so I can rebuild my foundation on something that's NOT based on lies and corruption, a.k.a. religion.

The Big Fuck You

I'm REALLY getting fed up with people pushing me around. I try very hard to keep my temper, I try to be passive and just let things slide, but I'm getting pretty tired of that.


Ok, so it's not so much that anybody is pushing me around, as it is that certain people have NO respect for me at all. It's as if my presence is an inconvenience, an annoyance to them. Well you know what? FUCK YOU if that's what you think. Seriously, FUCK YOU. I know for sure that I have done everything I can to be a GOOD friend to everybody whom I consider a friend, and what do I get in return? Cynicism, sarcastic remarks, that look that says "you're so fucking stupid"... anytime I relate a fact, I get looked at like "you're full of shit" and "you don't know a god damned thing so shut the fuck up". I hate it. I HATE it.

I'm a LOT smarter than people seem to realize. Did I spend an extra year in high school? Yep. Does anybody really know why? Nope. They think it's because I'm stupid. In reality, it's far different than that. It has to do with social issues, not intelligence issues.

So this is it, this is the fucking last straw. You have something to say to me, you'd better fucking say it because I'm NOT putting up with anybodies SHIT anymore.

You know, I was SO excited to get my Cutlass, the least my friends could do is be a little encouraging, but it seems like they (at least 2 of them) are almost resentful towards me for getting it. They show no interest whatsoever, yet when Stu or someone else gets a new car, it's all exciting and OMG I'm so happy for you etc... So fuck you for not being there for me in a big moment in my life.

Honestly, I'm fed up to the point where I don't give a fuck if I ever have to see you people again.

Oh, am I offending you? Are you getting pissed off at ME for saying these things? Boo fucking hoo, if you are, then that means you're too fucking caught up in your own god damned BULLSHIT to realize just how TERRIBLY you're treating somebody who considers you FAMILY. Everything I've said here is a result of the way you treat me!!!!! Don't you get it? If not, then it's hopeless. If you can't see how much your behavior towards me HURTS me, then I can't have you as a friend! I don't need people like you in my life if all you're going to do is break me down!!!!

My self esteem is bad enough as it is without constantly being ridiculed for EVERY FUCKING THING that I say, or brushed aside like I'm an annoyance, like I'm the class clown that just hangs around, a.k.a. the Michael Kelso of the group. Fuck that shit. You've known me for too long to be treating me like this. You should know I'm a much deeper person than my general silly behavior.

So that's it. If it means I have to sit here on my ass alone every weekend, so be it. I can't have my self confidence stomped on every Sunday anymore.

Have you ever...

To get up and walk away will be too easy
So stay and stand your ground just watch your mouth with me
On the back of every right, there’s a wrong looming
So here you and I should tread assault
As these razorblades for boots will it be

Have you ever tried to step in my shoes?
Have you ever tried to balance that beam?
And if you ever try to fit in my shoes
They’ll never be quite as soft as they seem

Unabashed honesty would be ideal
But a prophet did once say, that honesty’s our only word
So where do we go from here? Abandon ship now!
My problem is you made me melt and I don’t want to be frozen anymore

Have you ever tried to step in my shoes?
Have you ever tried to balance that beam?
And if you ever try to fit in my shoes
They’ll never be quite as soft as they seem

Have you ever, have you ever tried to, I have never, I have never tried to!

Have you ever tried to step in my shoes?
Have you ever tried to balance that beam?
And if you ever try to fit in my shoes
They’ll never be quite as soft as they seem

Sweet Vindication.

Everything I've ever felt and thought about how Kidventure was the culprit in the death of the Youth Group at Mason First... finally, it has all been justified.

I feel a bit guilty for taking pleasure in this... but hear me out before you make any judgment.

Pastor Lori has been given an ultimatum. She really WAS over spending, spending way more money that she was ever supposed to be spending, and half the time she was doing it without ever asking for approval.

There was a point when they restricted her access to the church's credit account, and when she asked for permission to make an $800 purchase of custom sports cups with the Kidventure logo on them and was denied, she instead found access to the account and made a $1,200 purchase of PENCILS with the logo on them.

This was the last straw apparently, as the church board wrote out a letter rehashing all of the things she over spent on and at the end of the letter, they offered her a chance to resign rather than have a termination on her resume.

They sat down in the conference room with her and had her read it. She stormed out of the room when she was done and put in for her earned 4 weeks vacation time, which the church cannot legally take back since she already earned that time. Once she returns, she will be forced to make a decision.

I feel absolutely terrible for her husband, Dan. He is the NICEST person I've ever met in my life... I've met a lot of incredible nice people, don't get me wrong, but Dan still manages to top them somehow. I feel bad for him.

I don't feel bad for Lori. She was warned. Whether or not she realizes it... she played a large part in the downfall of the Youth Group by pushing too hard with Kidventure. Kidventure kicked the youth group right out, pretty much. YG had no money, no room for assembly... Kidventure had it all.

It turns out, after 7 years of feeling squeezed out by Kidventure, that Pastor Lori really WAS out of control and blowing money on things.

I knew it.

I guess what they say is true...

...a man and a woman cannot be "just friends".

I always used to whole-heartedly disagree with that... until I realized that when someone says a man and woman can't be just friends, they don't always mean that the guy is the one causing the problem. Sometimes it's the chick that causes the problem. And sometimes, it's not because either one of them actually have feelings for each other, sometimes it's just that there is a SUSPICION of feelings that actually don't exist.

That's my scenario.

Now... I've always considered myself a nice guy. To my guy friends, I'm there for them and I'm willing to talk them through hard times... but I don't sweet talk them. That'd be gay! lol...

But with my female friends, I always try to be a sweet guy, a caring, sensitive guy. Girls like that, don't they? Doing such things around women puts a guy in the "friends zone"... which is exactly where I want to be with these particular females, hence the reason I act that way. I'll be safely in the friends zone... no romantic feelings to worry about.

Unfortunately... gossip tends to alter one's plan for success.

See... my plan to put myself in the "friends zone" with a couple of my closest female friends as to not create a problem of potential romantic feelings... well, the sweet talking part, the caring, sensitive guy part has kind of given off the wrong signal.

Apparently one of my closest female friends is a tad suspicious that I like her as something more than a friend. Apparently her boyfriend is suspicious also. Apparently, all her friends got the "vibe" from me that I had more than friendship in mind with her.

Whoops.

Guess I took the nice guy routine a bit too far or something. Wasn't intentional, let me tell you... I'm enjoying being "buddies" with my female friends. There was only one person with whom romantic feelings were a problem, and I've grown out of that... she's now just a "buddy" of mine, and that's awesome! That's actually even better than a romantic relationship which always has the potential of ending badly.

But this other friend of mine... I feel bad for giving off the wrong signal.. I've sensed some tension lately, maybe as a result of her not wanting to send mixed signals in return (most likely), but I really want to set the record straight... I do not have romantic feelings for any of my friends. In fact, there's only 1 girl I'm interested in, and I've only met her a couple times, so I wouldn't even call it anything more than a crush.

Hope that clears things up!!!