Anxiety

Well, this is my first post obviously, haven't done one of these in a LONG time... the last time I had one, my cousin and one of his friends decided to use it to ruin my life, but I won't go into that... but either way, now I'm at a whole new stage in life, so I don't even have to worry about it.

I tell ya, life can certainly suck. There are certain directions you'd love for your life to head, but unfortunately, its out of your control. And of course, as with most people, my problems stem from that 4 letter word, "Love".

There's this girl that goes to my church. Since practically the day I met her, I've just had this feeling. If I felt daring enough, I'd say it was love at first sight... but who am I to know what love is? I've never experienced true love, everything I've had has just been... aspirations, I guess.

But anyway... So I've been crazy about this same girl for almost 6 years now. I've tried to ignore my feelings, I've tried to FORCE them to change, but they always come back. I have had plenty of girlfriends within that time, 9 to be exact... all of which, well, except for one, only lasted a few weeks. Megan was my longest, at 4 months, but I'll get into that later on.

Back to the point, I've pretty much been in love with this girl since I met her. Why? Pssh, beats the hell outta me, if I knew, then I'd know how to stop it and I'd be so much happier. But no, I HAVE to feel this way about her.

So most people at this point in my post would be thinking that I was some sort of reject and I'm just too afraid to do anything about my feelings.

Well, yeah... but there's also the fact that I have already been given an answer from her. No way in HELL. I guess she said it a little nicer than that... But here's the confusing part, and the part that makes me feel like absolute shit when I look back on it.

We were in the church van. She had already known that I had feelings for her. It was no big deal to flirt with her, we ALWAYS did, it was just a "thing", ya know? But near the end of the trip, she was going a bit further than just flirting... Without going into fine details, we ended up holding hands, which to ME was a VERY clear cut indication that she wanted to be more than friends.

That's what anyone would think, right?

Well, not her. She was giving me the cold shoulder for the next few days, so I finally pulled her aside at church and asked her what was going on. She told me she only liked me as a friend yaddayaddayadda... all that crap. Stuff I've heard a billion times before from girls that just wanted some physical affection and saw me as an easy target.

Well guess what girls, I'm not the average guy. I don't do the "friends with bennefits" thing. Why? I have too much respect for myself to be belittled like that. Forgive me for thinking there might actually be a few girls left out there that actually RESPECT a good guy.

Forgive ME for being a good guy... I'm sorry I'm not some fuckin cowboy, I was born in the city with no choice, all right? Forgive the fact that I'm not tall, my family doesn't have those traits, I'm not built to be a BIG guy, at the very best I will be really chisled and defined but I'm not gonna get any BIGGER. That's just how it is and I'm sorry that some girls are so fucking shallow that if you don't please their appetite for physical attraction then you're trash to them...

But what I am, I AM a guy who would NEVER hit a girl. I AM a guy who doesn't like to swear in front of girls out of pure respect. I AM a guy who would take a girl on a romantic date to a diner, or to watch the sun set, or fireworks, or just a walk on the beach... I AM a guy who would do whatever it took to make a girl so completely happy... but I'm never given the chance because I'm too much of a "pussy" to give them the physical.

I did the physical thing once with Megan... I regret it every day. We just went WAY too far... I'm lucky I'm still a virgin, we were LITERALLY inches from taking that step, she asked me if I had a condom and that's when I told her we had to stop.. I'm not wasting my virginity on a girl who just wants some. Its gonna be with the girl I marry, period.

Well anyway now that I've gone off on a rant, maybe ya'll will get SOME of the things that drive me insane... don't worry, there are plenty more things I plan on writing about... so to my friends that will read this, Ruth and Sara, consider this a door way into my head because it is much easier to speak my mind in here than it ever will be in person.