Drown Me Slowly

Where is my life going... It's like everything that really mattered to me is just dissolving right in front of my eyes, everything I've tried to build up over the years, the solid friendships etc, it's all been one big waste of time.

That's how it feels, at least.

Here's what it's like to be me, in case anyone was wondering:

You strive to just do the right thing. You don't really know why, but you're compelled to just be a good person, and doing good things makes you feel important.

So that's how you lived your life for so long, doing everything you know to be nice to people and be good to people and always do the right thing...

Then you're left with a sad feeling at the end of the day... Does anybody even care?

Where is everybody?

Why am I always sitting home alone, excluded from one on one friendships... everybody has a best friend, a one on one friendship... but me. I'm the 3rd wheel just as I've always been... Why is that?

Have I not known them long enough? Has 6 years not been long enough? I don't have this problem with Ruth, but guess what, she lives in Kalamazoo... and Chris just went off to South Carolina...

So what is it about me that makes my "friends" so uncomfortable that they would rather not be alone around me?

Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but when I go to church and hear about how people were hanging out, and all I was doing was sitting here on my ass playing round after round of Counter Strike...

Where were they? Have I not filled my quota of inviting people places, only to be turned down because they're busy?

Why is it that it's ok for my friends to take advantage of my offers like concert tickets, skiing passes etc without being obligated to do much more than split the cost of gas... but in order for me to take advantage of their offers, I'm required to drive? Why is so much more asked of me when all I've EVER fucking done if give to people?

The first thing that crosses my mind when I get concert tickets or whatever is which one of my friends would have the best time? Which one would appreciate it the most, which one really needs to get out and do something fun?

Of course most times when there were only 2 tickets available, I'd pick Sara, cause Sara doesn't ask much from me. Sara knows how to just be a FRIEND without requiring anything more than just being there.

But I've taken large groups to concerts... Like Lollapalooza... I went there, I wanted to see Audioslave, everybody got to see their bands and just before Audioslave came on they all wanted to leave. Well, not all of them, but a few of them. That was pretty damned selfish. I took them all the way down there in MY car with MY tickets and they want to leave before I get to see the band I came to see?

It's like when I invited Chris to the Metallica concert... He turned me down for Nikki. Chris and I were BEST friends in high school, both really into Metallica, this would have been an awesome time, and he turned me down to hang out with Nikki.

Like how I wanted to go down the hill one more time at Boyne but nobody would go with me... or stay in the water park for a little longer but they were done...

You know what? I asked you guys to come with me as a nice thing to do, because I thought you guys would have a good time, the LEAST you could have done was have a little consideration for me too ya know?

That's all I fucking want.. just for something to think of ME for once, for somebody to call ME out of the blue when they can see I'm having a rough time, for somebody to just fucking realize that I have NOBODY anymore, where Stu has Miles, Jess has her school friends, Sara has Dorsey and her brother and work friends, Travis has his alcohol buddies etc... I've got nobody left. Nobody. I'm all alone. Amber's gone, Ruth is gone, Chris is gone, Aaron is gone...

That's not to say nobody has ever called... Ruth has, Amber has... come to think of it, that's it. Nobody else has ever called me just to talk. Chris used to before he got together with Nikki... then he never called me again, really. Seriously, not once since they've been together has he called me unless he was returning a call.

So once again I'm at the point where I have to ask, what is wrong with ME that turns people away? Why can't I just figure it out and fix it already?!