Happy 'Make the Losers Stand Out More' Day!

So technically the first 13 or so don't really count, since most normal people don't start dating until around 13 or 14... for me it was 14. So the first 13 Valentine's Days of my life are irrelevant.

Last year I was still all wrapped up in the situation with Jessica and Miles. That's mostly changed, though not entirely. Miles still shows off in front of her, I can tell he's still trying to compete with me for her, and once I again I must reitterate that I am NOT competing for Jessica. She's my friend, that's it, plain and simple. We flirt sometimes, that's just how our friendship is. Why Miles has to be like "well I'll show HIM" is beyond me. I mean, he HAS a girlfriend.

Yup.

V-Day 2004, well I don't really remember it. Seriously, I don't remember it at all. Not one bit.

In 2003 it might have had a bit more significance, but I can't remember that either.

I think it was 2002 when I was dating Lindsey... and got dumped on V-day. But I don't remember that either.

The only memories from V-Days of the past that linger are those of lonliness.

I HATE Valentines Day. It is one of the most offensive holidays of all times.

For the many single people in the world, it is a brutal reminder that they are alone, and may be alone forever. It's a reminder that so many people have found this perfect love, and that you still have yet to experience it. Yet it's STILL crammed down our throats. I still have to see it everywhere I go, I still have to hear about it...

I'm happy for those who have found love, but can't you be respectful of those of us who aren't so lucky?

I'm just so... sad. That's the only word to describe it. I'm sad. I have no happiness left in my life. The only flicker of light at the end of this tunnel ended up being a freight train coming to roll me over. Somehow, even though Rachel liked me a lot, I STILL managed to end up without her, all because I waited 1 week too long to ask her out on a date.

Now this guy she's with is going to steal her heart. He doesn't respect her, I heard him comparing the size of her... size... to her younger sister's... size. He's one of THEM fuckers. The same kind of guy I keep losing to.

Just another reminder that being who I am just isn't enough. I keep losing to the assholes... so is it about time I become one? What reward is there in being a good person if it doesn't really end up mattering to anybody?

I'd really like to know.

If I only had the guts to make a decision one way or another... I'm always in limbo about this.

I thought I made a good move with Rachel. I was on my way to Sara's apartment... I was chickening out. But just before I got on the highway I pulled a u-turn and went right back to the church and asked Rachel out on a date. Yeah I know it's not her fault but damnit that took so much effort to talk myself into not being afraid and it was all for nothing.

So a lot of people use "MySpace" to meet people. I'm very skeptical about using MySpace. It seems to me that most people just want to "hook up" on there, it's just a meat market full of emo crybaby homo fags who think their life has been hard and having long hair and listening to In Flames is going to make them hardcore or stand out. I don't want to be a part of that.

But if I can finally meet somebody... maybe it's worth it...