FIXXXER

I don't even know where to start.

How do you lay out in writing, the exact truth behind your emotions, when you KNOW that nobody can possibly understand it unless they are going through the same thing?

Here we go... been a while, let's see if I still got it...

Jessica. It never ends. Just running around in circles. I'm her best friend one minute, and the next, she barely speaks to me and when she DOES, she's nothing but mean and rude. I can't take it, aside from my feelings for her which I have PAINSTAKINGLY cast aside in favor of a good friendship, I've done nothing but be a good friend to her. Yet it still comes to a point where she starts treating me like crap. I'd love to tell her off... but she's always so stressed out. Doesn't seem like she needs any more crap in her life... but you know what? Her stress and anger is always spilling over onto me, and I can't take it! I don't deserve it, I never have. I'm not asking for her to kiss my ass or anything, I just want RESPECT, I want to be treated the way she'd like to be treated by others. That's all I want and I KNOW it's not too much to ask.

What's a good friend, to me? One that'll hang out with me reguardless of what other people might think. One that'll go to a movie with me, even though we're the opposite of sex, and not worry about what complete strangers might assume when they see a guy and a girl hanging out together. One that BELIEVES, just as well as I do, that a guy and a girl can be "JUST FRIENDS" with absolutely no stipulations whatsoever. It's funny how I'm the one with feelings that I want to be more than friends... yet I'm willing to put that all aside for the friendship, and she, being the one who really DOES see me as nothing more than a friend, can't seem to get over the image of us being together and what people might think if they saw us together.

I'm so sick of church. I don't think I want to go anymore. It's always the same dry motions, people just going because the feel obligated. I'm so tired of "Christians".

In fact, it's not just "CHRISTIANS" that piss me off, it's everybody.

EVERYBODY FUCKING PISSES ME OFF.

You know why? You really wanna know why? It's because everybody is always looking for some CAUSE, something to be a part of, something to belong to that gives you a reason to scream and shout and stand up and excercise the first amendment.

You know what I say to that?

SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING BLIND SHEEP MOTHERFUCKERS!

Oh boy I swore, I'm going to hell. No, FUCK YOU! I know that I shouldn't be swearing, I KNOW IT, ok? YOU don't have to put yourself on a pedastal telling ME that I'm a sinner acting as if you never do things you know YOU shouldn't do.

You know what the Bible says? The Bible says no cursing. It says no getting drunk. It says to follow the laws of your government so long as they don't interfere with what God has commanded of you. It says no premarital sex, no adultery, no murder, no stealing, yadda yadda yadda. Have I screwed up in any of those cases? Yep. I just swore... I've come VERY close to having sex... I've stolen before... Never killed anyone or drank alcohol period... but that's beside the point. so... since I'm guilty of a few of those... you know what ELSE the Bible says?

ASK AND YOU WILL BE FORGIVEN.

I will NOT be condemned by a self righteous church because I'm struggling in my faith, this is the EXACT moment you ALL should be on your knees praying for me and trying to HELP me, not pushing me away with cold stares and empty words.

Aside from the church, all of the blind sheep MTV generation, sex craved, herb smoking, alcohol guzzling, internet-fucking, hell raising assholes who think that life is nothing more than a ticket to self pleasure and self fufillment NEED TO GET A FUCKING LIFE.

Big words coming from me, who really needs to practice what he preaches...

But even so, they're words that need to be spoken. So I'll speak them, and just as much as it's as if I'm yelling at you, I'm yelling at myself.

Nick, GET YOUR FUCKING ASS IN GEAR! Like a month ago you were on fire for what you believed in and you said you'd never walk this road again...

Well maybe there's a reason for it. Maybe the reason I keep ending up back here is because I can't save anybody from the trenches when I'm walking on the highroad.

Is that it? I don't fuckin' know... but I do know that the word "fuckin'" can be placed in a sentence to magnify the intensity of what is being said by 100 times...

This HAS to stop, you guys... this HAS to change, we ALL know that we can't keep living in this lie, we keep telling ourselves that what we're doing to ourselves in our lives is ok because tomorrow is another day... well guess what, my friends, tomorrow MAY NOT COME for you, or me, or anybody else.

So we're wasting our time just basking in all the porn, alcohol, drugs, sex and other pleasures of the world, completely ignoring the fact that our religion is losing a battle. It's being pushed out further and further and the more we act in this hypocricy, the less credibility we have when we DO try to make a change.

It's time to stand up, it's time for ME to get my ass moving and do something about it, it's time for YOU to stand beside me, it's time for ALL OF US to start standing up for what we believe in with reckless abandon for what other people might think of us.

I'll let you in on a secret... your opinion of me will NOT keep me down, EVER again. I'm going to live my life and if I'm not who you want me to be, well then you can fuck off.

I don't know when I'm finally going to see the light, when I'll pull myself from the shit I'm in, but you could pray for me if you wanted to... that might help... it might help me, and more importantly, if you're sincere about your prayers, it might help you too.

Think about that... really, think about it.

Do you have the courage and the strength to stand up and save me while I'm trying to save you?