To Return

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

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To return or restore things to normality... What does it take?

How do you rebuild yourself from the ground up? How do you take back all of your mistakes, all of the decisions and choices you've made thus far?

From the moment you're born, you are faced with one decision after another. That's essentially what life is all about; making decisions.

But little do we know, sometimes it pays off to strategize for our futures.

Who wants to become something that they hate?

I've you asked me 7 years ago who I wanted to be, I could have told you the same thing I would tell you now.

I want to be the nice guy, I want to be the handsome, strong, confident leader with a sensitive side that makes that one special girl feel like she's the luckiest girl in the world.

I want to be normal, I want to relax, I want to be funny, I want to joke around with authority and not feel like everyone is expecting me to "behave" a certain way, and I want to stop trying to live up to what I believe their expectations are for me.

I want to forget my past and ignore my scars... I want to regain my social stamina and become a relaxed kind of guy that people enjoy being around.

I was once described as a rarity among my peers.

The editor-in-chief of my high school newspaper was suprised by my demeanor. Why? Well, I was a skater... I wore the clothes, listened to the music, I looked, walked, and acted the part... EXCEPT for the fact that I was HAPPY.

She wrote about me once, and said that she could see this bright light inside me, through every word I spoke, every time I smiled or every stupid, simple corny joke I made. She could see this child like innocence and happiness just beaming out of me, and she found that to be a sign of hope for the generation. She saw me as a rare and unique treasure, someone who broke the mold of how my peers behaved and conducted themselves throughout daily life.

Where has that gone?

I've lost the encouragement from my friends...

I've lost the little bit of self confidence I ever had...

and ultimately, I've lost sight of the main reason I was always the upstanding young gentleman in the first place.

I'm becoming more and more apathetic... I'm starting to get frustrated more easily and I'm beginning to snap and shout at people when they are bothering me... I'm being rude, I'm going off the deep end...

THIS CANNOT HAPPEN TO ME.

I need a fresh start... if I could walk into a room and have a conference with everyone and just have them understand everything I want to tell them... that would help...

I'd tell Sara that I'm sorry for my excentricities and my failed attempts to fix her car, which really make me look bad, and I honestly just cannot prove to her that I'm a competent mechanic because everything that CAN go wrong always DOES go wrong when I'm wrenching on her car... I'd tell her that I enjoy hanging out with her so much because she never ceases to make me laugh, but that we both have different views on a lot of things and for some reason we just can't come to terms with that fact and accept it for what it is, so we'll always have a tension between us... I want to tell her that I love her, as a friend, and I don't want to be at odds with her for any reason at all, and I want to just put everything behind us and forget all the stupid little arguments and disagreements and just become a completely different person to her...

I'd tell Jessica that everyday I regret the way I personally handled my feelings for her... that I wish I could have just stood up for myself early on and gotten it over with... that I know my insecurites play a large role in why things went down the way they did, and that I shouldn't have let Dave walk all over me the way he did... I'd tell her that I wish we didn't fight the way we do because I truly admire her strength, but at the same time I worry for her because she seems to take on too much... I'd just want her to understand that I care about her so much that sometimes my actions and words aren't quite clear but the overall reason for them is to reach out and give support to someone when honestly, I'm the one asking for support...

I'd tell Ruth that I'm sorry for going on the offensive when she got into weed... that I was truly afraid of losing the one person that I could talk to, the ONE person who actually understood the things I would say and the one person with enough of a clear head to help me clear my own. I was afraid that the person I thought I could share anything with was going to become just like everyone else... I didn't want to lose Ruth, I didn't want to see her become someone else, it was so hard to let go and I still miss Ruth... She has a new life now, she has a great guy and a new focus, and I'm happy for her... I know she'll always be there for me, but I cannot ask anything of her, she's finally content with things and I don't want to bring any complication into her life.

I'd tell Danielle that I really enjoyed being her friend, that I miss both her AND Dave and I wish they would come back... She knows I've forgiven her for cheating on me with Dave, but I wonder if she believes in forgiveness enough to understand what it means... I see a hurt person inside her, someone begging for love and desperate to get it from one person, when there are so many more people willing to love her and care about her... she just needs to open up, to not be afraid to be close to people who aren't her boyfriend...

I'd tell Dave that there's no reason to be sorry for what happened anymore, you apologized once and that's enough... you were a good friend most of the time and I miss hanging out with you, we got along great 90% of the time, until girls got involved... You were my best friend when no one else would be, when both Chris and AJ betrayed me...

I'll never forget AJ, he had a lot of love and respect in his heart but he was so mislead by the world that it was hard to see him go... but at the same time, there was no stopping him. He had a determination in him, he wanted an absolute, he wanted to KNOW himself, even if it meant he had to be something he didn't nessecarily want to be...

I'm sorry, Nikki, for ruining your Junior Prom... I didn't know you liked me, I had no idea... I was still "going out" with Kaysie anyway... I would have told you if I thought it was relevant, but as I said, I wasn't aware you had feelings for me so I felt no need to bring it up, it would have been awkward, "Oh yeah, just so you know, I'm dating Kaysie. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but..." You were always a great friend, but something is lost in you now, I still see it but it's just barely hanging on...

Chris, I'm so glad that you stuck with me through all the anti-drug/alcohol stuff, I think we helped each other stay away from those things throughout highschool, but I'd hate to think that that's the only reason we knew each other... We've had some awesome times hanging out man, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish that you and AJ were still staying over at my house every saturday night staying up till the early Sunday hours playing Tony Hawk and drinking Faygo...

Listen, everyone... I can't take back my iniquities, I can't take back my past mistakes, blunders, or error in judgement... all I can do is tell you all that I'm SORRY for who I am, and beg for a chance to start over, AGAIN, and allow myself to be free of this pressure of expectation...