Sometimes I wonder...

I'm kind of scared right now. Lately I've been starting to miss Megan more and more... And that's not a good thing at all.

I don't know what it is. Maybe its the fact that she's the only REAL girlfriend I've ever had...

I mean, it was the perfect relationship... I must emphasize the "WAS"... I don't think I've ever been as purely happy as I was when I was with her. The times we shared were amazing... when they were innocent, that is... Times like when we were at Spring Hill sitting and eating dinner one night.. she shot me in the eye with her hair tie by accident, then kept on saying she was sorry even though I was laughing, so I bent down to pick it up, and so did she, and we hit our heads together.. we laughed for the longest time about that...

Then she tried to do one of those "trust falls", where you fall back into someones arms and they're supposed to catch you and not let you fall... Well I didn't expect it and I dropped her right on the ground, I felt HORRIBLE but she thought it was hillarious, although she always brought it up at the worst times haha...

Then there was the time I was taking her home after a movie, one the way we kept on hoping for a long red light or something so we could kiss lol.. so we went a way that would take us across train tracks, and we hoped for a train so we could stop. long shot, but it was worth it lol.. we crossed the tracks, and not even 5 seconds after we passed, the cross bars went down and a train passed. not even joking haha.. that was the funniest thing ever.

The whole first trip to Spring Hill, the first time we held hands, cuddling next to the camp fire, just walking together under the stars... The first kiss...

Then I begin to wonder if its HER I miss, or moments like those that I miss... I had some great times with Megan but I think I mainly just miss having moments like those.. with a girl. Being romantic, bringing her flowers out of the blue, calling her and asking her how her day was and just being glad to hear her voice and even though I had a horrible day, just hearing her talk was enough to make it all go away...

Of course things took a terrible turn after a while, when she started falling her for ex-boyfriend again. I spent New Years Eve of 2002-2003 in a heart broken agony, I went to her New Years Eve party (stupidly) and when 12:00 rolled around, I had to watch her kiss him instead of me.. even though she had dumped me for him, I wasn't ready to give up.

She eventually wanted me back and by that time I just couldn't.. I couldn't go through that again. The next year or so was a mess, my friends at church made me an awesome cake for my birthday in 03 and because of the drama with Megan, I basically ignored what they had done for me and to this day I feel TERRIBLE about it... I just wish they knew how bad I feel and that I'm truly thankful for friends like them...

We found a way to stop the fighting... "Friends with bennefits". Basically we'd hang out solely just to make out... Which led to intense making out... which led to "less clothes" making out... which led to almost NO clothes making out... but when she asked if I had protection.. the gravity of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks.

What was I doing? Here I am in my EX girlfriends bed with her, both of us down to the last article of clothing, and... somehow I thought this was a good idea?

I told her we had to stop... so we stopped... we kissed a few more times and I said I had to go home.. and that was it.

It's like God reached down and smacked me on the back of the head.

That's what makes me so scared.

I want to fall in love with someone else... but I SERIOUSLY don't want to walk that path ever again, I want a completely wholesome relationship... but what if I meet a girl that doesn't have the same restraint? What if I let the temptation control me... I mean I can't even BELIEVE I was able to say no to sex the first time, that's a big deal being a guy with not only the natural desire but the social pressure also... I'm sure I could say no again, but I don't even want to get close enough for there to be a situation where I have to come up with that answer.

I want to find a Christian girl, but all the girls at church are out of the question, and the chances of me meeting one at LCC next year are going to be slim to none...

*sigh*

...And it's not like I can blame Megan, or anyone else for that matter, what I did were a result of my decisions, she never forced me...