Family Matters

Well tonight promised to be a good night.

Stopped at Pizza Hut on my way to the church to give Ruth the gift I bought her, its not EXACTLY what she wanted but I hope she likes it anyway...

Then I went to church for the Christmas Eve service, had a short skit to do. That went well, no big deal.. and I was REALLY looking forward to staying for the rest of the service, I missed last year's cause I had to work... Kaysie was there too, she looked really pretty, wanted to say hi to her but I didn't get the chance...

But I had to rush home. We were having our gift exchange between my sisters family and mine tonight because tomorrow is going to be insane.

She gave me a guilt trip for having to be late cause of my skit, and I WAS going to stay for the rest of service but I knew it would upset her if I did so I left and went home.

I walked in right in the middle of my spoiled nephews tearing open their gifts and my dad photographing them like they're rock stars or something.

Yeah... wow... I wanted to get home quickly to be a part of my extended family Christmas, and they didn't even wait. I called my mom before I left to tell her I was on my way, and well, they didn't want to wait I guess.

Oh well.

I hate Christmas. Yes, I know what Christmas is REALLY about, but I harbor bad memories.

Time when my parents would get me gifts, toys that I adored... then suddenly they dissappeared and I never saw them again.

They sold them at my grandma's yard sales... For drug money. Maybe even money to pay for our cars and house, but there is no doubt in my mind that they needed the drug money. I know this because my parents used to smoke weed right in front of me. I didn't know what it was then but every time I smell that shit now I remember EXACTLY what it was like sitting on the living room floor watching them pass the joint or the pipe between each other.

And it hasn't gotten any better. My dad still smokes weed when he's out with his buddies... I know because our Blazer has this strange smell inside...

My mom doesn't smoke weed that I know of, she does crack. I found her crack pipe hidden in the basement. She does that and gets drunk pretty much every night. She's totally out of her mind half the time, WAY too emotional about EVERY little thing and completely over reacts for no reason.

And personally I'm tired of people thinking I don't have a reason to be a fucked up person... come live here and tell me you won't go out of your mind. I haven't told this to ANYONE before, well, not in detail at least...

I lied about why I'm so against drugs and alcohol, I said it was because of Megan and other girlfriends... well its not.

You start smoking weed and you think it's a good thing because it relaxes you and makes you "not care" about anything.

No. Weed is a selfish drug. In fact, ANY drug is a selfish drug. YOU do it because YOU want to feel good and YOU don't really consider how it may affect those closest to you. Or maybe you DO think about it, but you don't want to believe that you're being selfish.

Ya know, this is why I get so up tight when any of my friends mention drugs or drinking... I HATE it and I hate what it does to people, and I hate what those people do to other people.

There is no excuse for ANY of it and Iwill never, as long as I live take part in any of it.