Mental Abuse

I don't think she realizes it, but every hurtful thing she says to me, really DOES hurt.

She makes me feel like shit.

Always has a negative response to pretty much ANYTHING I have to say.

Tonight she capitalized on the fact that she absolutely cannot stand me.

She's constantly putting me down and when I told her I was joining the demolition derby, you know what the FIRST thing she said was?

"You're not gonna win"...

WHAT THE FUCK? What kind of friend says that?! I mean I know I'm not gonna win but what the hell... And she calls herself a friend? She says she cares about me as a friend?

Bull fucking shit.

I already have a hard enough time being able to look at myself in the mirror or present myself to other people, and shes just like all those other assholes from school and whereever else that made me this way. She thinks that she has to make a point that she's not in love with me by treating me like absolute shit all the time and honestly, I'm fucking sick of it.

I have done a LOT for her just to show her that I care about her as a sister in Christ... Yeah, how Christian am I with my foul mouth... Anyway, she seems to take it for granted, using me or whatever...

I don't care, I'm not putting up with it anymore, she's a fucking bitch to me and next time she treats me this way I am going to make a complete ass out of myself, people are going to HATE me.

But that's what it takes. I CAN'T keep taking it... I'm getting depressed again, and thats not good, the last time I was like this... wasn't good.

I don't even think I believe in God anymore. But at the same time I believe more than ever.

Josh is ok... his condition just vanished through prayer and faith in God... How can anyone deny divine intervention?

But why am I STILL having trouble believing... maybe because everyone I looked up to, spiritually, is showing signs of weakness now... Not that I consider them bad people for that, I mean look at me, if that made someone a bad person I should be shot... but the point is, it just seems like I have nothing to look forward to anymore, no ones coat tails to ride on anymore...

I never managed to learn how to be independently strong in Christ, I always needed someone to lead me, and when Damon left that was the end of that. I met another person who I truly admire, but they're just.. dealing with things too... ya know? And I can't continue to rely on other peoples strength to get me through... but I guess what its like is, if I can't look forward to seeing certain people in heaven, why the fuck do I want to go?

This all speaks from "this moment", its not to say things won't change in the next few minutes or tomorrow or next year... who knows?