So...

I just had a talk with Pastor Mitch.

What I've come to realize is that my feelings on certain issues are completely normal... it's not like I'm the only person who feels this way when they see their friends make certain choices.

Where I went wrong is how I handled it.

See, nothing I've done has ever been out of anything other than love for my friends... but the problem is, I handled it so horribly wrong that I completely confused my motive, I pretty much went on the offensive against them and made them feel very uncomfortable and UNLOVED.

That is never what I wanted.. it's just what I did, why? I don't know, I really don't have an answer, I'm struggling with this and I've always known it was a problem, it's just that for so long, I've not had a real reason to change... well, I've always had a reason... but never an ultimatum.

I'm hoping they can understand that I am aware of my problem... not a MENTAL problem, just a coping problem... and I'm already working on it, I'm seeking guidance of my youth pastor and I'm taking action against the inadequacies in my life so I can be more focused on my relationship with God...

If I can finally get on track with God, everything else will fall into place, I can show my friends love through Christ instead of trying to do it on my own like I have been, and failing miserably.

This is so hard to get over... what makes it worse is that even though I know time heals and that God will touch everyones heart in the situation... in the mean time, I've hurt my friends, and I have to live with knowing that even though I just want the BEST for them, I'm part of the problem. I'm causing them pain and I am having a hard time coping with THAT now...

Ruth... I don't know what to say to you... I have to be honest that I wish certain things weren't the way they were, but don't think for a second that I love you any less, I STILL look up to you, I know where your heart is and THAT is what matters the most, and I'm so sorry that I've ever became so insulting and degrading because I didn't know how to handle my own guilt over the bad things in MY own life. There is no excuse for what I've done, all I can ask from you is for an understanding and I can assure you that from this point forward, all I can do is TRY and rely on God to convey the friendship and love I have for you.. I've been doing it on my own for so long, and it's not been working out because I make mistakes too easily and I can't take them back when all is said and done.

Sara... Same thing really... I know that if you really think about it, you'll know that I love you and care about you, that's been my only motivation in everything I've done, even though there are those times it's seemed as if I was standing on a pedastal looking down on you and skorning you and throwing rocks at you... that's not what it was about to me and I KNOW you have a hard time believing that. What it was about is that I just want you to be in the best way possible, unfortunately the things that I don't agree with are what I focused on rather than the things I love about you Sara, and I'm so sorry for that. You're an awesome person, you really are, I'd love to have a better friendship with you and I HAVE been trying to get over myself but I just had a relapse... I'm sorry for that, I'm trying, ok? I really am and I just need some encouragement that this isn't the end, I can't handle thinking that I've just thrown away the friendships that I value the most...