The Shape of Things to Come

This is a desperate plea.

I fear going to sleep... I'm SO tired... but I don't want to sleep because I'm afraid of letting my mind wander. I don't WANT to think anymore. I don't want to wonder about her. I don't want to worry about her. I don't want to feel ANYTHING for her AT ALL, ever again.

The truly pathetic part is, I honestly thought I was over it. Realizing that I'm not over it is VERY painful... I want to cry, I can't take this anymore! I thought it was over FINALLY and it's not! THIS ISN'T FAIR!

Whiskey Barrel tonight. Or.. well, last night... this morning... whatever the fuck you want to call it.

Everything should have been, and WAS fine. She was doing her thing, and I was cool with it. To me, it meant separation. It meant that there was absolutely no reason for me to have feelings for her.

I was interested... well, I AM interested in her friend. But I botched that up real bad... I won't go into that, it's another story and not really of as much dire importance as this one.

But then I had a talk with the only other guy that was with us.

Somehow... he knew my feelings for her. We were shootin the shit... and out of the blue, he asks me... "Your friend that you're with... do you like her?" I said no. He looked at me for a second... "...do you?" I wasn't sure WHY he was asking me this. I thought maybe he just wanted the "go ahead" to ask her to dance or something. So of course, I gave him the go ahead by saying "Nah man, we've been friends for forever, that's all we are". Which I guess, is technically true... but anyways...

He gave me a little pep talk. He told me he didn't believe me. He could tell how I feel about her by looking at me whenever she came around. I had NO idea I was that transparent. Hell, I even had MYSELF fooled into thinking I no longer had feelings for her. After talking with him... everything has uncovered itself to me. I'm not over her. I never was. It's all still here, and acting as if it's had PLENTY of rest during it's hibernation.

I can't sleep. I'm not giving any more details because it's her business and not mine... but I can't sleep.

I don't want to worry about her. I don't want to THINK about her. I don't want to be in love with her, I don't want to know that I can't have her, I don't want to think about how badly I fucked up ANY chance I MIGHT have ever had TO be with her... and I know that if I go to sleep, that's exactly what I'll think about.

I want to think about her friend. I want to think about someone new... someone that I had a connection with. Maybe it wasn't even a connection... but dancing with somebody... laughing with her, being close to somebody again after ALL this time reminded me that there are other girls out there. I do like this girl... she's funny, smart, and easy to talk to. But even if I HADN'T fucked up by leaving without her number (I DID ask her for it... and she DID say she'd give it to me.. but... for some reason it never came up again), if there was something between this girl and I...

I worry that if I was with this girl.. and had that same talk with that guy AFTER I was already with this girl... I'd suddenly realize, oh fuck, I'm dating one girl while being in love with another!

What the FUCK do I do about that? Huh? I'm going to be single FOREVER! It's been so long since I felt like I was over her, I WAS OVER HER... and it turns out that I never was! SHIT! I was doing so good!

I'm so afraid that it'll never end.

I can't go to sleep now... I really, really need sleep... but my dreams will torment me... that is, if I can actually fall asleep.

This is the first time in my life I've ever honestly considered drug use... I really, really do not like the direction I'm headed because of all this.

*Update

It's 8AM.

Do you know how much sleep I got?

15 minutes to a half an hour.

It happened exactly like I thought it would. I was asleep... then all the sudden, HELLO, thoughts, tons of them, flooding in from somewhere... snapped me wide awake. I've not been able to rest since. My body aches, it's so worn out and tired.. but my heart is constantly racing and my mind won't rest.

So I've definitely had more time to think. And I've realize that my anxiety over this isn't about whether or not I will ever get to be with her, or the fact that she's with somebody else... it's about how badly I've screwed my life up. It's about all the absolutely retarded things I've done. It's about the fact that I'm SO insecure, I can't even fucking handle asking a girl if she'd like to go out sometime without sitting there all night waiting for a chance and then doing it at the very last second, and even then, not asking what I was originally GOING to ask... and the situation with Jess... all that really is, it's a reminder of me being an absolute failure and an incredible loser. It's a reminder to me that I once had an open door to be with somebody I really liked... and I let it slam shut and be locked forever because of my insecurity and low self esteem.

It tells me that I've not changed a bit.