Never being who you want me to be

I'm getting tired of being judged.

Everybody is so judgemental lately... I guess nobody realizes just how little self esteem I already have, I mean my whole life I was treated like SHIT by my sister, she destroyed my self confidence, and the normal "hazing" that you get in school had a SERIOUS impact on me because of that.

People freak out when I take insults too seriously, but no one knows how it feels.

Yeah, I have hair on my chin. Well, I DID at least... I shaved it off because I gave in to what people "want". Honestly, I didn't think it looked bad, but everyone is always laughing at me about it being there... like "Where did THAT come from??" and stuff... Miles and Travis always call it peach fuzz too, which I think is ridiculous and they're just jerks... I trim it so it doesn't look all nasty and unkept...

Whatever.. I'm just sick of being treated like I don't have feelings, I'm sick of BEING who I AM.

Yeah, I'm jealous of Aaron. Big time... But I think all of the guys at church are.

I look at Aaron, then look at myself and realize everything I'm not. And it sucks, because I can't change that. I simply cannot get bigger than I am, and it frustrates the hell out of me... I'm not naturally good looking either, it takes all the confidence I have left to be able to even be NEAR my friends without feeling like the ugly duckling. And yet, I STILL feel that way regardless of how hard I try not to.

Is this all in my head? I honestly have no idea.

It seems like you HAVE to be buff and gorgeous and be able to sing and dance and play an instrument in order for girls to even notice you. If you're not, and you have a girlfriend, they simply settled for you.

That's the way it's always been for me, because the girls I've dated always left me for better, more attractive, cooler guys.

No, I'm not talking about the girls at church so don't go down that path. Although it is a real hard blow to my self esteem when they sit in a circle and discuss who's hot or not.. I just don't want to hear it because I KNOW I'm not one of the "hot" guys, and to hear the things they say about ugly guys really affects me because they don't seem to realize they are talking about ME.

And it hurts.

But when a girl leaves you for a guy who has no problem hitting her, swearing at her, getting pissed at her all the time and cheating on her, just because he's hotter... well there's something wrong with that.

What ever happened to romance? Why can't an average.. or at least DECENT guy take a girl on a perfect romantic date, just be sweet to her and make her feel like a million bucks... and have the girl accept that looks are not EVERYTHING?

Everyone tells me that there is a girl out there for me but honestly I don't believe it. How would someone else know that? They're just trying to make me feel better about the fact that I'm going to be a "last resort" kind of boyfriend-or husband, and that in the future, whoever I DO marry... IF I get married... will most likely be screwing my best friend.

And if anyone hates the fact that I'm such a downer... just remember, you don't know the shit I've had to deal with in my life and just how serverly my self esteem has been damaged by people.

Remember, I literally had NO friends from elementary to middle school. Just imagine what that would be like... I bet you can't, unless you were the same way. And if you were the same way, you'd understand why I'm such a whiny little bitch.