The Bleeding Heart

Well I know I said I wasn't going to continue writing in this, but I REALLY want to right and well... I think I don't really have as much to worry about as I once thought.

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Ruth and I patched up our disagreement. I think she might have understood, SOMEHOW through my inability to communicate my feelings, that overall, I am just worried and scared for her. She IMed me and we talked... its cool now. I'm not gonna bring that situation up in my blog again, however...

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It's Valentines Day. I HATE Valentines day. I hate feeling like I have nothing to offer anybody.

Ya know, I know I'm not a loser and all that... but the way I am makes it really hard for me to be appealing to girls.

Don't take this the wrong way, consider it an observation...

But it really seems like girls generally tend to go for the bad boys. Not always the jerks, but the guys who walk on that thin line between bad and good. Over all, they're good guys, but they do bad things sometimes. Girls like that.

It doesn't become any more clear to a person than when they are riding in a church van full of 17 and below teens.

The "bad boys" are more interesting than the good guys, like, say... Travis, for instance. This guy is practically in love with Gretchen. Gretchen is a GREAT person, she has high morals... but somehow, she can't seem to see Travis the way he sees her. She seems to be more interested in an apathetic "Christian" who regularly gets drunk and does drugs and has sex with random girls, but is outwardly a very nice person.

Then you have the "show offs" like Miles who changed his persona in any given situation in order to appeal to as many girls as possible. I've never seen so many sides of one person before.

He's one person I can read easily, and I'm not the only person who can read him.

After the skiing trip on Saturday, a few of us went to see Hitch.

I knew as we were walking into the theater, although I was walking next to Jess and talking to her, that Miles would snake his way through and sit next to her. I waited for it, I knew it was going to happen and I wanted to test my theory.

We get into the theater and are about to sit down, Miles is in the back behind Travis and Stu, and when we all sit down he manages, instead of sitting next to Stu and Travis, to walk past everybody and find a seat next to Jessica. Hmm, interesting that I saw that coming... He's just so secretive about it!

So we're all at my house afterwards to hang out a bit longer. I put in Lilo and Stitch, Travis, Stu, Sara and Miles sat on my couch and Jessica sat against the wall on the floor while I was getting pop and stuff for everyone, I came back in and sat next to Jessica. Waited... about 10-20 minutes later, Miles couldn't take it anymore, and down he goes, onto the floor, pratically sitting on top of Jessica.

I want to make it clear that Jess is not the one being stupid about this. Well, she still IS leading him on a bit, but Miles is being a complete ass. He really is. He doesn't want me near her because he knows how I feel about her...

I'm not after Jessica. I want to be her friend for once, and FINALLY, we are getting along perfectly, we don't argue anymore, we actually carry on conversations and she doesn't mind being alone around me anymore. She's cool with me for the first time since I've known her and I couldn't be happier.

Then there's Miles. Look, I can't help how I feel about Jessica but I can certainly push that aside in order to be her friend.... but when I see Miles doing what he's doing, I get SO pissed off, I want to hit him. He is such an arrogant jerk and he KNOWS how it makes me feel to see him all cuddled up with the girl I like..

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Why is it, that when a girl likes a guy, and he confesses his feelings for her, that its so incredibly romantic... but when a guy likes a girl who doesn't like him, and he speaks out about the way he feels, people think its weird and "stalkerish" and crap? I don't get it. Because if I said right now that when I see Jessica, I still get nervous and weak in the knees and my heart flutters... that I love to see her smile just to know that she's happy about something.. anyone who reads this would be like "Man you're such a weirdo"... but if she liked me, they'd be all like "awww that's so romantic"... I don't get it.

Cannot romance and love exist without a cooperative agreement? I'm a hopeless romantic. I'd love to go to that teddy bear store and make a personalized teddy bear for a girl and deliver it personally to her place of work in front of everybody... kiss her on the cheek and tell her to have a good day. I'd love to have someone to send flowers to, randomly, just to show her that I was thinking about her... I'd love to have someone to hold hands with and enjoy a walk under the moonlight...

and no matter how many times I'm told to be patient, I just can't help it, I am a bleeding heart.