Thorn Within

It all comes down to one thing.

My stance on drinking, drugs, my fear of my friends getting into that stuff... it's all connected to one thing, the one thing that has scarred me for life and will be the hardest thing to overcome.

My parents.

They smoked weed around me when I was little... they would choose to do that over spending time with me. I'd want to play cars with my dad but he'd be too busy getting high.

Not long after that, my dad's back problems became so severe that he couldn't do the things with me that most fathers do with their sons. He couldn't play catch with me, couldn't teach me about cars, couldn't do anything. I had to learn it all on my own. He still smokes weed to this day.

My mom is a drunk. She works all day, then comes home and drinks beer after beer. Just a few minutes ago, she stumbled into my room trying to set my alarm clock for me. I told her repeatedly that I'd do it, but she insisted, asked what time, and ended up setting it for 4:30AM. I told her 5:30... not 4:30. She couldn't understand. She gets defensive when she's drunk... anything I say to her she takes the wrong way, gets offended, and threatens to run away or kill herself.

You guys think that the way I react to things you partake in is a result of me just being a douche bag?

Look, I'm sorry for how I react to those things.

But in all fairness here, and I REALLY hope you get what I'm saying and don't take this the wrong way, but I have some SERIOUSLY family issues here. I have abandonment issues... So you wonder why I get so upset when nobody ever calls me or invites me to places? There ya go.

These are things that have damaged me since I was a little kid... Yes, I AM responsible for my own actions but you can't hate me for something that I've had no control over...

Pushing me away isn't helping. I NEED you guys, I've admitted my problems and I've apologised for them and told you I will do whatever I can to change... and you're still so distant. How long can you hold a grudge? I can't do this without you guys... you've been my family for the past 7 years or less, the ONLY real family I have.

You wonder why I never want to go home? You wonder why I'm always the first to show up places? I'm always on time, I'm always at every event... it's because life at home is KILLING me.

There is so much more to me than I've ever shown you all... I wish, I truly wish you'd just give me a chance to be ME. It seems that even though words were spoken and we made ammends, you're still done with me. Well I can't accept that.

Look in your heart and ask yourself what's right... if you feel that I don't have a place in your life, then fine... tell me that. but don't leave me hanging like this... I can't live life alone, I am SO alone, I have NOBODY... my parents may be alive but they're practically dead to me...

Please don't leave me alone like this...