Bucking Bronco

Just got back from the MSU Rodeo.

Jessica placed 2nd in the rodeo queen contest. She should have won first, she was so beautiful... And she worked really hard for this thing. That's ok though, she's happy and that's all that really matters! She had a good time.

The rodeo was cool, first one I've ever been to, seen em on TV but it's so much cooler in person. No serious injuries, but a couple guys got hurt pretty bad. Walked away on their own though.

Rode a mechanical bull. No big deal, it's not as hard as it looks. You grip with your legs and hold on tight with your hand, and have the other hand flailing in the air for show.

Miles did it for Jessica. He also dressed up like a cowboy for Jessica. This is getting to be VERY annoying. I'm not even competing with him for her, she doesn't like either of us and that's the way it is. No, what it means to me is that he is taking every opportunity to make me look weak or like less of a person.

She he hopped on the mechanical bull hoping to sweep Jess off her feet with his "cowboy" skills. Well, I was called a city slicker one too many times, so I paid the 5 bucks and hopped on. Piece of cake. My legs are REALLY sore, but really it wasn't an issue of being thrown off, I had trouble with sliding because of my pants being so baggy. Jessica wasn't even there to see it, and that didn't matter to me cause I wasn't doing it for her, I was doing it to show Miles that I can do ANYTHING he can do.

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I hate love. I can't stand it anymore, its making me sick to my stomach, LITERALLY. I can't feel, I can't think, I can't eat, I can't sleep, it's driving me ABSOLUTELY MAD. Why do I have to be in love with her?! Why can't it just go away? God, PLEASE make it go away... Every time I see her... especially tonight... I just get all weak. I was so happy to see her having a good time, more so than I should be... WHY? Why do I care so much for this one person?

Most of all, why does it have to look so bad to other people? Ya know, I can't control how I feel about her, I've felt like this for 5 years, and it has NOT even come close to going away. Not once. I lied and said I'm over it, but I'm not. I can't help it! I'm trying so hard to ignore it so it doesn't get in the way of our friendship and I'm doing a good job, I'm not bringing it up to her ever again... I CAN keep it bottled up so it doesn't mess things up, but man it hurts SO bad... I just want 1 chance, just 1... that will never come... and I know it sounds completely childish, but the day she gets a boyfriend and starts bringing him to church, I'll have to stop going to church.. I won't be able to take it.

I heard her talking to Sara and Nikki about something, I think my mind kind of blocked it out but I THINK it had something to do with a guy liking her or something... I started feeling pretty sick at that point... literally, sick... the heat inside wasn't helping any either.

God, this isn't good... I don't want this, I didn't ask for this... Who knew love could be such a bad thing for someone?

I have all this love to give... and for some reason it's all directed at this one person who simply doesn't want it, and I really, REALLY wish I knew what it is that makes me feel this way about her, I just can't figure it out and its driving me mad, I just want it to be over, I don't want to feel pain when I think about her being with someone else...

TO WHOEVER READS THIS... just know this... and PLEASE understand... I am not asking for the way I feel, ok? I don't WANT this, ok? So please don't think I'm weird for being in love with this girl... I can't tell you how much I want it to just go away... Right now, I'm not worried about being with her, I'm worried about myself, I'm worried about what this is doing to me... I need an escape from it...