Falling apart to put myself back together

well it's over, my drive to remain pure has officially ended.

I'm not waiting for marriage to have sex anymore.. though I'm not going to go seeking.

I'm becoming increasingly enticed by alcohol, and will most likely succumb to the temptation soon enough.

I keep saying over and over and over again that I'm gonna get right with God and then I relapse and it all falls apart, so I'm going to admit to myself that I'm just not strong enough to give up things in my life that are keeping me apart from God and stop trying altogether.

I have to start living a happier life or depression is going to take over... see, I KNOW all these things, but the emotions take over all rational thought. My actions are based on emotions and when depression is my strongest emotion, bad things can happen... and I don't WANT to kill myself, but I feel like I'm heading towards that direction again and I CAN'T go there.

I have to ally myself with some good friends, I have to go out and party and just NOT care about anything, just have a good time and enjoy life. I'm 21 fucking years old and I'm such a prude, and it's killing me.

I have to fall apart so I can rebuild... and start over.

I'd give ANYTHING to erase the past 8 years of my life and start over... anything.