Yeah... getting back to my roots? Maybe?

Well the "nice girl" vs. "nice guy" thing has got me thinking about myself...

I've really dissappointed myself. I USED to be that mythical "nice guy".

I was the "sweetheart" at my high school. The girls LOVED me, as a "big brother" figure. They'd count on me to talk to when they felt down... they'd share anything with me because I never judged them and I never made them feel as if their choices in life made them any less of a person... and I loved being that one person they could trust with anything, and count on to be there when they needed someone... even though, in at least 2 cases throughout the 4 years, it meant putting aside my feelings.

So where has the side of me gone?

Well he's been worn down to nothing... I started panicking... thinking that I'm burying myself into the friends zone, that all I'm EVER going to be to the ladies is a "big brother", that I'm never going to find a girl who will really try to get to know ME, instead of just venting her frustrations on me because I'll listen.

I felt like every time a girl broke up with me for another guy and told me that I'm "just too good of a friend, it's not worth risking the friendship" meant that I would never be given a chance to prove that I have even MORE to offer to a girl who was in a relationship with me than I could offer in a friendship.

So that part of me has gone away... at least for a while.

But I'm thinking... I'm thinking I'm past all that now, I'm at the age where women might start to appreciate that side of me more, where instead of seeing me as a "big brother" because of my sensitivity and tendency to care, they start seeing those qualities as something they'd want in a boyfriend.

So I'm trying... I'm trying to revive my old self. It ain't easy... and with my close group of friends, it's even harder because there is no romance to open up the doors to... so bring that "big brother" is going to be even harder in those cases... because I know it'll be misunderstood and misconstrued as something else. It has been before...

Not only that, but the fact that I tried so hard to destroy my old self, and ended up making a complete fool of myself and acting like a jerk towards my closest female friends... I don't think they really believe that I can change. I don't think they're really willing to put the past aside and let me prove to them that I CAN accept that we must walk our own paths, I CAN deal with the things I don't particularly like that they do, and I CAN be a friend, unconditionally.

Not that a blame them, it was my own fault, but I keep hoping and praying that now that I'm FINALLY aware of the problem and ready to fix it, I'll be given a chance.

Sadly though, so far not much has changed.